Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
