So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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