his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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