so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
