there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
