i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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