She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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