oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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