There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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