I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
