well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize