You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
