Ketchup is God's man juice
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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