New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
