I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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