Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
