his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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