Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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