im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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