i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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