She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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