Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
