I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
