I wish life had little blips of pornography
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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