you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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