Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
