Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
