Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
