on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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