Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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