i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
