ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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