ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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