I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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