why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
