Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize