Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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