We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
