yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
