how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
