life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
