i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
