At least make sure they are 18
Why
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
