whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
