looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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