My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
