i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
