i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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