The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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