Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize