Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
