a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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