When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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