Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
